Loss and Gain


Several days have passed since I last posted, and these paragraphs will be about that . . . because I experienced two very temporary yet – in their own way – profound losses that affected my posting.

The first was loss of computer. Yes, yes, I know, I know! It’s just a machine. And I could have logged onto a library computer and posted from there. Yet I’m used to writing in Word, then posting. To write directly onto the blog seems, not wrong, but risky. In any event, the loss of computer went by stages, each accompanied, I’m embarrassed to say, by hand-wringing and worry. In the end, I bought a new tower (to show you how the price of computer components has dropped, the new tower cost less than half what the old tower did years ago) and had it loaded with Microsoft Office 2010. That was a change I hadn’t anticipated for a while. Unexpected, yet . . . well, I’m hoping that sometime in the near future I’ll look back at this change and think, “Brilliant!”.

It will certainly make opening docx’s easier.

The second loss, extremely temporary but oh-so-evocative of the future: my youngest flew off for several days to visit her sister three thousand miles away. Since she’d never traveled by herself, this was a huge step for both of us, as she was winging away from the nest and I was left, uh, here. Nest-bound.

She’ll be off to college in a few months. That’s the future part, her beginning life in which home is a place apart from her own life of new experiences, and I’m empty-nesting as a single parent (hugely different from empty-nesting as part of a couple). The fact that my own life is currently rather betwixt and between adds to the general uneasiness.

A friend assures me that I will “create a busy, full, satisfying life” when I’m alone. I know that’s true, because it’s happened before. It’s just that my own uncertainty and in-between life causes me to doubt, and of course giving up the last child to college means, in essence, the end of a job, the one called at-home parenting. Children over eighteen need different parents from the ones they had in the past. They need “loosen the grip” parents who will offer guidance and support, but not insist on their accepting either or both.

So it’s a liminal time for me, a time of uncertain footing and dreams and goals that I fervently hope/pray will come to pass, will be achieved, no matter how unlikely they seem. It will be lovely to experience success in my work!

These past days of introspection and effort have given me new ideas, new ways of achieving. I wanted to be busy while my daughter was away, and I was, with new insights that crept upon me unaware.

They had a great time together, by the way, the two sisters – in this meeting, they were at last both on an adult level – and shopped, ate, went sightseeing, and even ate at my favorite burger chain in the world, In-N-Out. And the little pain of missing my youngest acted as a sort of inoculation against the larger pain of her leaving for college soon.

It’s a beginning for both of us.

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Filed under Family, Love, Musings

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